Leroy Bert

Leroy Bert was a famous author, drug enthusiast and Coast Guard officer. He was present in many moments throughout history, most famously fighting in the Battle of Miami alongside Colonel Doo. He is notable for coming up with many euphemisms and phrases, and has been described as "Shakespeare, but not a communist dick-suck" by many. During the Battle of Miami, Bert went missing in action and was presumed KIA. Leroy Bert's Famous Elixir is named after him.

Early Life
Bert was born to a family of Jehovah's witnesses in Peoria, Illinois in 1943. He was kicked out by his parents at age 13 for urinating on the only heater in the house and breaking it. Unwavered, Bert went west, searching for the American Dream. Unfortunately for him, he never found it and resorted to prostituting himself for cheeseburgers within 48 hours of his journey. Eventually he ended up in Denver, Colorado. Inspired by his father, he tried to become a public speaker, often utilizing magic shows to attract people to his speeches. After an unfortunate incident in which a hooker's dick imploded all over East Colfax, Bert was arrested and sent to Joliet Correctional Center.

Prison and Epiphany
In Joliet, Bert was a problem prisoner. After a crude shank fashioned out of a corn cob was found in his possession, Bert was sent to solitary confinement for a week. There, left with only half a chocolate bar, some cobless corn and a book, he thought about his life and how he had ended up there. He looked into the book, a copy of the Scrolls of Doobert, and found the lord doo. He was released from prison three months later for good behavior. Bert decided to change himself for the better, and thus decided to join the United States Coast Guard.

Vietnam
Bert received a commission as an Ensign and was sent to Vietnam in July of 1964. There, he was given control of a torpedo boat. On the morning of August 2nd, Bert, on patrol in the gulf of Tonkin and very drunk, saw the USS Maddox in the distance and, thinking it to be a "Chinese Aircraft Carrier", fired upon it. The Maddox returned fire and Bert's boat was sunk, with him being the only survivor. However, he was commendated for his actions, as it gave the United States casus belli to escalate involvement in Vietnam. Bert's sunken torpedo boat was described as belonging to the North Vietnamese Navy in official MACV reports, and he was promoted to the rank of sergeant.

After several more sunken torpedo boats, Bert was given command of an Infantry Platoon operating in Khe Sanh. Bert, now a meritorous Petty Officer, was tasked with protecting the Marines there from attacks from VC insurgents. Unfortunately in January of 1968 the North Vietnamese A